part 38

Subj:   re re re re

From:   BoPeep

To:       MackAttack

Date: 1/17  4:10 a.m.


I can’t sleep. All I’m having is awful dreams. I had this twisted one where Mom was trying to hold me down while Gil was cutting out my clit. How gross is that? There was blood everywhere and V was there, and everyone was talking about me, but not too me like I was some sort of defective moron. I am shaking and in a cold sweat right now. Mack, I wish I knew how/where to call you. Your phone is disconnected. I don’t know who to talk to. I’m just freaking out.

I’m afraid to go back to sleep. All I’m doing is tossing and turning. I figured if I got up maybe I could get calm, but nothing I’ve tried has done anything. It’s 4am and I’m cold and it’s dark, and damn it. I don’t have anyone to turn to.

I put a call into my counselor’s service. I’d never do that. But, I just can’t stand it. I tried taking the dog for a walk but even the dog is sleeping and isn’t interested. I don’t want this. It’s awful. Is this a breakdown? Is that what this is? I mean, all I have are these crazy thoughts and these wild dreams, and even when I’m awake these images keep coming up. I don’t know what they are…just weird things. It’s like my brain is out of control.

I’m going to go take a hot shower, maybe that will calm me down. I guess, then I’ll try some warm milk. I wish I had some brandy to put in it. This is just unnerving.

Mack, where are you? Why aren’t you there? Why are you always so far away and distant? You could calm me. I wish.

I’m trying to not call Bo. I know she’d come here and just hold me. I know she would, but that’s really not right. Not right for me to call her when I’m all freaked out, just to have her cuddle with me, when I don’t feel for her like she feels for me. I mean, it would be giving her the wrong idea, wouldn’t it?

Why in the hell am I worried about what’s right and not right all of a sudden? I mean, what difference does it make? See, I’m just crazy. I can’t think straight.

Maybe a hot shower will calm me down. I hope it doesn’t wake Rodney. I don’t see how it can, because he’s at the other end of the condo from me. But, I seem to be worrying about everything right now. I mean, where is V? What happened to him? I called Quentin but no one is home there, either. I called him earlier tonight, not now…in the middle of the night.

Fuck, Mack. I am just rambling. Thanks for giving the appearance of being there and listening.



Subject:     I don’t know anymore

From:   BoPeep

To:       MackAttack

Date: 01/17  11:30 a.m.


What sort of thing are you thinking?

What the fuck, Mack. Your phone call was more disturbing than comforting.

Do you think it helps me for me to cry out and for you to respond all about Diana and her life and what she thinks and what she says and that she’s jealous of me, and you’re her best friend. Damn it! Fuck you. Even YOU think I’m defective, don’t you? You hint about caring, but you don’t, do you?

I don’t know if I love you or hate you, but what’s the difference anyway?   Loving you never got me anywhere…..did it?   Maybe hating you would? I hate you, I hate my mother, my brother, my father, my sister…….I hate all of you.   No one has shown me love like I’ve needed. You all just talk about it.   Fuck you!

Piss off and take that whore with you.



Subject: I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry

From: BoPeep

To MackAttack

Date: 01/17 2:42 p.m.

Dear Mack,

I’m sorry.   I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lash out at you. I’m sorry.

My counselor made an emergency appointment with a shrink. Mack, he says that I’m having a psychotic episode and that I really need some help. He says there are greater issues here than what I’m talking about. He says that I need to sleep. (I didn’t sleep much last night, either.) Rest. So, I’m heading to General Hospital to be evaluated by his friend, Dr. Murdock. The doctor is on call at the hospital, it’s not that I really need to be in a hospital. I called Bo early this morning when I was totally freaking out. (Be glad that I didn’t know how to call you…or you would have had your ear chewed off!)

Actually Rodney called her for me. He found me sitting with the dog sobbing. He said that I was totally out of it, and babbling. He stroked my hair and asked if he could call anyone for me. I told him everything that was going on, and he said that he understood. He called my counselor, too. He had a long quiet discussion with him. Rodney has had some really rough emotional times in his life, so he said that he understands completely and he won’t throw me out because I’m loopy.

He made me take a shower. I don’t think I’ve taken one since I was back, and the water felt really good. He also made me eat some toast and have some tea. I was feeling okay…..then. You know, my normal self. I told him I had to email you….because I felt so bad about yelling at you and being my Mom to you. But, I’m okay now.   I just wanted to tell you so I wouldn’t leave you with a wrong impression. I mean, I need to just make my peace with everyone, just because. I mean, there isn’t much left here for me, is there?   I want you to have fond memories of me.

I have an hour before I go meet this Dr. Murdock guy. Bo is going to drive because neither her, or Rodney, think I should try and drive myself. I think I’m okay. I mean, these little emotional storms keep coming, but I think I can manage. I feel much better now, than I did during the night. It was like the morning sun made me feel better. Today is a beautiful day…..Mack.   After I get done with this doctor, I’m going to go take a walk over near the bridge. You know how much I like the water. It’s so peaceful.   I’ll write you when I get home. I want to make contact one more time. Okay?   Please call me when you get this. I don’t care what time of day or night it is. I just have to talk to you.

You know how much I love you.

I hope your life is really wonderful.



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