part 37

Subject: Sorry to bother you again….

From BoPeep

To: Mack Attack

Date: 1/5 12:01 p.m.

Dear Mack,

My Mom called right as I was hanging up from my counselor. She was really sweet at first. That always catches me off guard.   I had to really concentrate to NOT tell her about Dad and the money and all that. (Dad told me to keep quiet about it all.) I told her about the girls I met and dancing and all.   I told her I was tired out. Jet lag and all.

So then Mom turned. She asked if I had called Gil yet.   I said that I hadn’t and didn’t have the energy.   Mom got all mean and said that all I can think about is myself. That it wouldn’t hurt me to think about other people.   I told her that what Gil was asking was really ridiculous.   Mom said that I’ve never been supportive of Gil. I pointed out that I’ve never really KNOWN Gil. She didn’t live with us, then she was in jail. I’ve only seen her a dozen or so times that I can remember in my life. Mom said that wasn’t the point….she was my sister and she’s had a hard life and it was up to me to “make it up to her”.   She said that I’ve gotten everything and Gil has gotten nothing. I am a big selfish pig for it.     I tried to ask her how that was possible…..how could I have HAD everything when I didn’t have a normal family life that SHE’s the one who drove my father away and every man since.

I guess I shouldn’t have said that.   Mom really flew into a rage. She told me that I was the biggest disappointment in her life. Why couldn’t I be more thoughtful and loving like V.   I had to stop her there and ask “how is he so loving and thoughtful” and she said that he always remembers to send her flowers on Mother’s Day and her birthday. So, I said, “so he has someone wire flowers, how is that more thought ful or caring?   I’m here for you for every whim and sneeze.   I see you every few weeks, how does this work?   When was the last time you SAW V?”   She said, “he’s a boy, and those things aren’t expected. He’s thoughtful in his own special ways.”

I’d heard enough.   But, she went on about how I should help my sister to valuable productive member of society. I said that if she wanted to be…she would be. That she could go to an art store and buy materials and take a class.   Mom said that Gil shouldn’t have to do that when I already had all the materials and I already knew it….that it was my duty to provide everything she needed.   I told Mom that I was tired and I wasn’t up to this bullshit right now.

Mom became enraged. She said that I had tried to take her place (Gil’s) but that a mother never forgets her precious children.   She said that Gil was more her flesh and blood and I was, and that there had always been something wrong with me. That I was an evil child and I’d never find happiness because I was born bad. Defective is what she started screaming at me. “Defective, defective, defective”.

I hung up on her.   Mack, I hung up on my Mother.   I guess I am a bad, defective child.   I don’t know. I’m so drained. I don’t know what to think or how to think about it.   I had to write you. I don’t know why……just maybe to reach out.

My counselor offered me an “emergency” appointment for this evening. I thing I should call back and get it, but…..maybe I’ll just sleep. I’m tired, Mack.

Later, sweetie.

Aimee

p.s. Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year. I didn’t celebrate either. Not this year, maybe next. I just stayed home.   No one seemed to notice.

 

Subject: wholeness in one place and time

From: MackAttack

To: BoPeep

Date: 01/12  3:12 a.m.

Dear Aimee,

How could I keep up with what you write to me?

Yes, changing can be scary. Sounds like Lonnie is in love with you and it really does bore you. You would retreat from me if I felt that for you. Experience teaches me that. I don’t know how to gather all you up into one time and place and love you. There is no lasting, simple, single thing to do or say that would make that happen . but torn feelings, well .

Morgan-Hughes was on about this, about caring for herself, loving herself. I knew exactly what she meant.

She would look in the mirror and see the person everyone hated. Some kind of fate? The way she smiled or laughed? The shape of her mouth when she smiled? They thought she was sneering. I’m the first person she knows who once hated her but doesn’t anymore. And that is the simple thing.

“I want you to watch me love myself,” she told me. Why did she need to tell anyone else what she was thinking if no one else was there? All I had to do was stop hating her. Isn’t that amazing?

She still knows lots of women who are insulted by sexual compliments and thinks you would be, Aimee. “Would you believe Aimee if she said she never hated me?” she asked. Both her mother and father told her it was because the other kids were jealous. But she wanted to ask, so what? That doesn’t change anything. “Do you know how it sounds if a woman says please don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Don’t hate me because I’m sexy and desirable.” Some of her sayings. “If I was a man, I would swear they have penis envy. Or would it be dangerous if they admired me as a role model?” . “You’re my bestfriend, Mack. Am I using you as a shrink, too? You think what I do is art and I love that word. But I’m a hypocrite now because I realized I would jealous if you were having sex with other women. I’m even a little jealous of Aimee. You can tell her.”

This is what’s been going on for me in “la la land.” The rest is my music and few other minor duties. There haven’t been any parties lately. It’s a quiet time for me. Maybe I would resent it if I were you back in the turmoil again.

Shit, I always thought I was lucky for simply getting born in America! How do you like that? Is that just a thick, dumb sense of gratitude to you? I can remember you telling me you thought my patriotism was stupid. It was a simple that could gather all of me up into one place and time. Perhaps like its own “great love” not falling to scattered pieces or slip-sliding away through its fingers. You can throw the “stupid” word around yourself, you know? And as you got angry when V told you, I got angry when you told me.

You would know about the “scary people” V is in trouble with if you would think of what I told you. Your brother is a mole wherever he is inserted. When he failed to impress Mr. Jerger with his ideas, he started using Larry to get into Mr. Jerger’s most private business and knowledge. I guess he was looking for secrets he could sell to someone.

Love,

Mack

 

Subj:    Mack? You ok?

From:   BoPeep

To:       MackAttack

Date: 01/16 4:29 p.m.

Dear Mack,

Sorry to write you, yet again. I must be becoming quite a bore for you.

I really had an awful time at the counselor. I thought it would make me feel better but all I did was cry. I told him about V calling me stupid and that fight, and the whole thing with the toe and Mom and Dad, and the money. The thing about Mom and Gil and me being “defective”. I just cried and cried. I feel like I’m losing myself. Like part of me is dying. I freaked out. Just started sobbing and couldn’t get my breath. He said that I was just working through old feelings and it would be rocky for a few days. We have five sessions set up for the next week…..daily!

He says I’m in a crisis phase and I should heed my inner voice and if I need to be alone, to do that. Not be persuaded to go out and be social if I don’t feel like it. Mack, I feel like I’m going crazy. My heart is pounding like crazy. I am fine, then all of a sudden I have these little emotional storms and start sobbing. Rodney, my roomie, came up and put his hand on my shoulder and asked me what was wrong. He was really concerned. Mack, I just feel like I’m not myself, but don’t know who I am. I mean, it’s like things just sunk in.

Want me to catalog it for you?   First: my sister hates me and always hated me and tried to kill me, Second: my brother thinks I’m stupid, Third: my Dad was so afraid of my Mom that he snuck out and never came back. He’s still afraid to deal with Mom. I don’t get it. Fourth: Mom thinks that I’m defective and she thinks Gil isn’t.   And, Fifth: now this really great guy, Lonnie, is bugging the hell out of me and grossing me out. I mean, he’s absolutely perfect. He’s showing me attention but it’s just creepy to me. What is wrong with me?   Oh yeah, and Sixth: Bo loves me.

I don’t really expect you to understand or even write back. I mean, you’re off in this la-la land and it’s all that you can talk about anymore. You’ve changed, too. I just want to go to sleep tonight and find that the world is like it used to be in the morning. I feel so sad. Either that or wish that I wasn’t in the world anymore.

Aimee

 

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