part 34

Subject: nightmares

From: MackAttack

To: BoPeep

Date: 12/05 12:01 a.m.

Dear Aimee,

I had nightmares about it, the girl who went out the window (porthole, whatever). She’s just gone. There was a little investigation, a few questions, but no word even from her parents. Case closed. She’s gone.

I feel bottled up in the dark with questions, and I know it bugs Diana. She gives me answers like,

“It’s all speculation and supposes and ‘gee, don’cha think … ?’ … I like to not speculate as I’m never right and the surprises the universe offers are always much more exciting than anything I could dream up … I don’t quite understand it now, but it may not be for me to understand … ”

When I get my mind off that bad night, I go back to a bad day a while ago. This was before the trip and before V hit you with his bad name. “Get it straight, jukebox,” Larry Jerger said to me. “You wouldn’t even be here if not for the whore. That makes you her pimp. You’re nothing but a pimp.”

All I could do was think, Aimee, stay silent and think. I remembered how your mother called me a pimp when playing a word game on my name. But this time, there was a lot more truth in it. And then there was dead silence in my thoughts. It’s still there now as I write to you, a blank white wall of dead silence.

But Larry kept it up, gleeful, almost dancing suddenly that he was right. He scored a direct hit. I doubt it happens very often for him. And when something is true …

I got to my cabin in time, in my silence, to vomit into the toilet. Strange how easily it came up and went out. It left me feeling dead but still aware. I thought it was always pimps who turn girls into whores, never the other way around.

I gathered myself back up and found Diana outside on the tanning deck under the umbrella to keep from tanning. She smiled and I knew her eyes were wry behind her sunglasses. “Welcome back to the land of the living. He’s gone,” she said. I sat down across the table from her, and she removed her glasses. Then told me about Larry and his own big dreams and about how easy things would be until he tried them. Once, he wanted to play the guitar. He really believed all he had to do was pick it up and he could play it. Everything people really work at and practice looks easy once they can do it. He laced on ice skates and believed he could immediately do Olympic Games leaps and spins. He thought he could sit down at a computer and construct a new game with all the great graphics and effects. He went to a baseball fantasy camp fully believing he could swat the Major League fastball.

“All he is good at is poisoning birds and shocking people with his crap,” she said. “But you can spellbind us with Bach and others. Your own creations. And, really, what can I do that’s so … proficient? artistic?” She looked down at her hands folded in her lap. “I want to do more. I want to keep up with you.” She looked up again at me. “With you, my only friend.”

I was so touched, Aimee, because she seemed so fragile right then. I’m not going to let that psychotic dork define me or Diana. Friends is better for what we are, among what we are. I only have to respect his Constitutional right to free speech.

I’ve established my difference. I am different. I fear understanding certain things and people because I know what my understanding does. It flatters, praises, justifies. It brings light, warmth, love. It brings pleasure.

There are big institutes and lobbies that put Franklin Jerger on their lists of enemies of the human race.

Yes, I’m now one of his vanity pieces, and he knows that. I probably won’t be this forever, but I am right now. I’m glad I didn’t heed V’s warnings because V is a liar.

I’ve witnessed how Mr. Jerger treats his employees: with warmth, respect, as friends, as family. V is one of his employees, Aimee, or at least he was. Diana and I have ratted V out to the old man. The lies, the attempts to poison opinions and create more enemies in Jerger’s organization, and even among those closest to him. Your brother is looking to your father for money now because Jerger’s funding has been cut off.

There will be no more punishment than that unless V tries to pull something in his government job. It had to stop somewhere, and I’m glad you’re getting more insight into your brother.

I can tell you what I’ve been told about what V really does, but it may confuse you more. Or, as you say, you process information differently. “The best laid plans of mice and men” are all tribal conspiracies and V is part of one based on what his penis rises for. I don’t know how it works or even what they are trying to accomplish. V just seems typical of a group that is trying to get others so pissed off, they will kill them.

I’d rather understand Mr. Jerger who regards all the conspiracies as natural competition and sells them the means to annihilate each other. This is what I am “caught up in,” and not only is it safe, it’s very luxurious. V wants me to be paranoid about it. Jerger simply wrote V off as a risk that didn’t work, a failed investment. Diana introduced V to Jerger a couple of years ago thinking the old man could use another government insider. She made the mistake but Jerger doesn’t hold it against her. But it’s why she was and still is so pissed off at V. Feels scorned by his treachery. All V did was exacerbate Larry Jerger’s condition to make a family problem worse than it already is.

Morgan-Hughes has decided to try to convince Larry that your brother made things worse for him. She doesn’t mind me telling you to tell V about this. “Hell’s Whore” feels scorned, Aimee.

Be careful about the money from your dad. V may try to screw you out of your share.




Subj:    playing catch up

From:   bopeep

To:       MackAttack

Date: 12/07  9:10 a.m..

Dear Mack,

I read your letter a couple of times. What do you mean you went to your cabin? I thought you were on a boat? I’m a little confused.   What happened to your apartment, anyway?   Don’t you go back there for anything?   What did you do with all your stuff?

Where are you? What have you been up to?   I don’t know what to think about you.

I don’t understand you, sometimes. I mean, you really are talking over my head here. It’s like someone telling me a dream. Your life just seems so LA LA, and bizarre (sp?) and that’s compared to MINE.     Mack, you are spoofing me about any of this are you? I mean, between your version and V’s version of it, my head is starting to spin. Of course, Dad has his own take on it all.   Mack, are you really her boytoy?   Is that what this is?   Friend? How in the hell can you call HER a friend. Am I a “friend” in the same league?   I have to admit, I’m a little miffed about that line. But, I’ll let it drop, for now.

Today was an interesting day. I met Dad for a super early breakfast (V had some business to run, and would be gone until late, but I think he just didn’t want to wake up that early). We sat and talked for a long time. He said that I should handle my money that he’s giving me either myself or let him do it. He said that V is acting like it’s all his. Dad is concerned. He says that he’s not sure if V would act in my best interests. I told him that I’d rather handle it myself but have guidance from him (Dad). He seemed pleased with that. I asked him about the little toe thing that V told me. Dad said that Gil was a very troubled little girl. It seems that all the stuff that V told me is true.

I don’t remember. I just don’t remember any of it.

He said that Gil was a real problem for the marriage. He stopped short of saying she was evil, but I got the feeling that was the next word. Gil did try to cut off my toe, but I guess that wasn’t the only assault. She also would hide in my nursery and when no one was around she’d drop things on me. Big things. I guess I was always bruised. Then, one time, late at night she tied something around my neck, tight. Dad says the only reason that I’m still here is because he had this feeling that something was wrong and rushed in to check on me. He rushed me to the hospital.

That’s when the social services people got involved. They investigated the family, and when they realized it was a little girl doing all the damage that’s when Gil went to live in a residential treatment home. They decided that she shouldn’t be around younger kids. Dad said that V got it worse than me. He said, that because V was the first, Gil wanted to “hold him” all the time. Evidently she would take him into her room and do things to him. Bad things. Dad wouldn’t elaborate.

Mom was pretty lax about it, though. I guess Mom just wouldn’t believe that Gil could do bad things to the babies. Dad totally stressed out, though. He said that Gil was more than he could handle. He called it an “unrelenting fear of danger from a small monster”. That’s pretty bad, isn’t it Mack. So, Dad told me to stay as far away from Gil as possible. He said that she still wasn’t “right”. He also really made it clear that he doesn’t want me to talk to Mom or Gil about where he is.

I asked if he and Mom were divorced, and he said, “Yes, V checked and she did get one.” I guess it all falls into place why he left. I always thought it was me.

Dad mentioned V’s job. I told him that I didn’t understand V’s job. Dad said it was more than it appeared on the surface and that he was concerned about him. That it was more “secret squirrel” stuff. He said that V wasn’t a bad person, but to not get too involved in his life. I pressed him further. Dad’s face looked stormy, troubled. He grabbed my arm and said in a very low voice, “I don’t want you anywhere near V and his friends.” I was a little confused. I told him that Bo is a friend of V’s and she’s a friend of mine, and that she really was someone that I liked to be around. He just looked at me with that look and said, “Aimee, I don’t want you too involved.” I asked if it was because they were gay and Dad said, “No. Aimee, you just don’t understand.”

So, anyway, the conversation turned lighter. I told Dad about you and I writing letters back and forth. He was really cool and laughing about it until I mentioned that you worked on this boat and the name Jerger. Dad just flipped. He said, “Aimee, you haven’t been on this boat have you?”

I said, “no”.

He said, “that’s part of the crowd that V hangs out with, it’s what I was talking about”.

I told him that it was just a coincidence that you worked there and V knew some of the people.

Dad just shook his head. “Nothing is a coincidence in that world.”

He again told me to steer clear. He stopped short of saying that we shouldn’t write. But, he said that I shouldn’t get any more involved. He said that these weren’t people that I should be around.

Mack, after reading your letter, I’m alarmed.   This boat is really not a good place, is it? I mean, some girl kills herself and you just sort of talk about it, like I talk about my Mom. You’re so detached. That’s not like you.   You ARE changing, aren’t you.   I find it scary to think that you’re not you anymore.

Keep care. Please?

Love YOU.


p.s. I’m going to meet my Daddy this afternoon. He says he has something to show me…..I hope V is still busy. It’s so nice to have time, just us, without him around.



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