part 27
Subj: where should I send flowers?
From: BoPeep
To: MackAttack
Date: 10/11 6:00 a.m. PDT
Dear Mack,
No, really, I am happy for you. Really. Her contacts sound great, and you do need some breaks. I think it’s wonderful. I’m not upset or anything. I do think it’s great. What I meant about lying was that she has this way of making men fall in love with her, when she is never in love with any of them. Did she tell you about Julio? He’s the guy who originally talked her into hooking and was her pimp, so to speak. He’ll float in and out sooner or later. He likes to watch, you know. Has she mentioned him? You also know that this guy she’s “Executive Assisting” for…..is a big time Mafia boss, or something, right? She told V all about it. I fell out of touch with her a few years ago because I didn’t cut it with her current “crowd”.
We weren’t that tight in high school, but we worked together in that dime store. Remember that job I had or was it after we split up? Anyway, we would go out for drinks and dancing. We were still under-aged, but even back then she had connections. We never got really ‘best friend’ close, but we’d hang out if there was nothing else going on.
Her interests and crowds changed once she met Julio. I didn’t really want to stay in touch because they were all so into drugs and champagne and talking about designer clothes and Aruba. If you are the current “toy”, it’s cool by me, Mack. Just watch your heart and know that she’s fickle. And, play it cool with the Mafia guy….I mean, I’ve heard stories.
My roommate, Martha has been fighting non-stop with her on-again, off-again petite pitbull of a girlfriend. I can’t take it. It’s like living at home with my Mom and V and Gil and Dad, only higher pitched. I bought a pair of foam earplugs and I put them in to go to sleep so I won’t wake up in a cold sweat. Justto hear the anger, really upsets me. Well, in all honesty, the whole house is upset with it, most of the neighbors, and I’m certain the entire police department (they’ve been here a lot lately).
Bo came into my room last night. She knocked on the door really late…and asked if she could come in. I was already in bed, reading, but I said, “yeah”. Bo came and sat on the bed and she said that she was really going to miss me maybe I could reconsider. She said that she had all these things she wanted to talk about, and couldn’t sleep. She brought in a bottle of my favorite wine cooler (you know the one) and we drank from the bottle. We talked for a really long time about everything. It was cold, so she got under the covers. It was like a slumber party….we laughed so hard. Then, well, Mack, I’m so embarrassed to tell you this, but one thing led to another she kissed me. Deep kissed, not a little peck on the cheek like you’d give your granny. I think she could see the panic on my face. Oh, Mack! So, then she told me that she loved me. I don’t know how I responded, but right after her eyes got really wide and she got this funny look on her face and stammered “Good night Aimee” and ran into her room. I don’t know if I was staring at her all shocked or what. But, it was really strange. I mean, I might have had a look — of horror (or something).
I don’t know.
I tried to go to sleep. I tossed and turned. I’ve got that cotton mouth thing going this morning and feel really strange, and embarassed – for her, not me. What am I going to do? I mean, I don’t think it’s in me to love a woman. I don’t want her to love me. That’s just, so, not right. It’s not me. I can’t do the lesbian thing. Oh, damn it. Now Martha and her bitch are at it again. I can barely hear myself think.
Does the fact that she kissed me, and it wasn’t half bad, mean that could be a lesbian? I’ve never even thought these thoughts before. The snuggling under the covers WAS nice. I guess I just haven’t ever thought of it like that. Is it true that a woman could love me, too. I realize it sounds so stupid, but really, it was an epiphany for me.
I always hear that there is someone for everyone. Maybe, that’s the some one for me? What if I’m just being silly and that is the path? I didn’t tell you this but I went to a palmistry reader a few weeks ago and she said “take the different path”. Do you think THAT was the different path?
Mack….I’m really confused about this. I think I’m actually freaked out, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I wish we could do something, you and I. I would like for you to hold me, Mack. I think I need to feel and smell a man next to me. Silly isn’t it?
Love, Aimee
Subj: Ahoy?
From: BoPeep
To: MackAttack
Date: 10/20 10:15 a.m. PDT
Dear Mack,
Now I know how guys feel like such dogs and are so sensitive to the guilt. Bo and I ran into each other in the hallway, and she looked at me with these totally serious eyes and asked if she could talk to me about “us”. I took a huge gulp, I mean, “US”? and said, “sure, why not.” She went on and on about how she was just totally in love and asked if I was. I told her the truth. I said that I don’t think I’ve ever been in love with anyone but you, Mack. That I was willing to do anything and try anything, and sacrifice anything to be with YOU, but since then I’ve never had that feeling for anyone. I mean, I really like Bo. But, I don’t have that feeling for her. Not right now. I even asked her if, maybe, we could see each other and hang out. Be friends. (Oh god, I gave her that “let’s just be friends” speech that guys always give me when they really aren’t interested, didn’t I?)
She leaned really close and asked if I’d kiss her, then. A friend kiss. It was like she was grasping at any little thing to keep up the hope that I’d just fall madly in love with her.
I kissed her Mack. After all, there wasn’t any harm in that. I just did a really sweet peck. She pulled back and looked at me and asked “it’s because I’m a woman, isn’t it?” I was sort of taken aback. I said, “No” then, “Yes.” Then had to backtrack, and try explaining “well, I don’t know. I mean, it’s all so sudden, and so confusing.” So then she went further. “Aren’t you attracted to me? You like big tits, don’t you?” I said, “No it’s not that. I mean, I’ve never thought about tits.” I’ll tell you, I felt like a deer in headlights. Then I gave her the oldest lines in the book. I said that I needed some time and space, but would really like to see her, casually. And, she took that to mean that there was “hope” and gave me a big hug and dashed off.
I dunno. I’m literally flabberghasted. And, now I know what that word really mans. Not a clue. I do not know.
Geez. It reminded me of conversations that you and I had. Where anything positive you’d say would give me hope that I could have what I dreamed of with you. Do you know what I mean, Mack? I mean, it’s like I’m in the position of telling her things which aren’t totally true because I don’t want to upset her and crush her, but at the same time I do like her. I just don’t like her that way.
For godsakes, Mack, I’m acting and thinking like a guy. Not any guy, the worst type of guy! What should I do to make this right? I mean, what would you do? Wait, I know what YOU did. You told me that the thing with Daphne was just a little fling that you needed to get out of your system….then days turned into weeks, into months into years. That wasn’t exactly straight-up, was it? Okay, let me ask it differently, what can I do to be honest, and let her down gently? Come on, Mack, you are a guy. I’ve never been in this position, but you have. What can I do?
Mack, I really need your advice here. Not your snarky comments. I really need some guidance. Help me. Please?
Love, Aimee
Subject: Here is a serious offer
From: MackAttack
To: BoPeep
Date: 10/30 4:14p.m.
Dear Aimee,
Do I think you are gay? Hmm … in a word. N-O. I might think you are if you felt romantic love for Bo and wanted to dance cheek-to-cheek with her. But the real question is this: Do you feel like singing folk songs that have rustic, woodsy imagery?
I think that YOU think too much. I think that you are looking for problems now that your life seems fairly tame by normal Aimee stardards. (A relief, on my side, I must confess.) More comes in from you and I don’t know what to answer first! My brain needs a firewall against your letters.
Any advice I give you arrives after you have changed the situation. Oh, well. Morgan-Hughes tells me I let too much bother me. She an amoral creature, but I’m not going to let that bother me. I’m amoral in my music and it’s such a beautiful release from the Catholic whammy. But I like the whammy, too. I’m glad I’m Catholic even though I don’t go to church. It’s become too liberal there, you know what I mean? It’s all watered-down now. I would romanticize the period of churchly dominion with starknesses and deep crippling traumas, the stigmata of the soul …
Paradise, now, that was the truly taboo place. People could actually fear Heaven as much as they did Hell. Once there, you were free to do anything you wanted … ah, but could you?
I’m writing to you from the study in the Persephone right now. I do get some creepy feelings as I am being watched here. (Everything, Aimee: they see and hear everything here). Diana says I’m paranoid and doesn’t know anyone named Julio and that you’re all wet about Mr. Jerger being Mafia. Rather, he’s huge in the international trade and other important things. It’s legal, but … again, she knows she is one of his toys, and is free play with other toys when he’s not around. Intelligent toys.
I’m confused by a daily contrast of going to work, then to my little apartment, then back to this floating palace. She emailed Jerger what I said about his Laffargue, and within hours, a crew showed up to remove it and left a brand new Yamaha Disklavier. This is what drove Daphne nuts and I just ignored it before, namely what the truly rich can do. If I can’t do it, why think about it?
Morgan-Hughes sympathizes with how stunned I am because she still feels it herself. At least with me, she doesn’t put on some phony blasé routine about it. “Zip, zap. Oh, your toy needs a toy? Okay, babe. Here’s something that would cost your toy a year’s salary before taxes. Oh, and while he plays with it in paradise, don’t let him block out images of high-tech mayhem in the Third World that paid for it.”
I love my Catholic whammy. I really do. Why can’t it also be a pagan whammy? It could be. People in that Bible bootcamp you went to say Catholics are pagans, anyway. They only meant that Catholic pagan sex is better than fundamentalist Christian sex. Maybe it is, but how would I know the difference?
You see the parts of me that really like it here with Morgan-Hughes – really dig it – they are the collaborationists. Pain and pleasure are their sense of good and evil. They don’t care that I feel like a piano player in her whorehouse. Well, upscale brothel. Maybe more a court musician retained by a king or a cardinal. A lot of it is the same music, note for note, played into the meditations of the holy rich as they pictured empires of Incans and Aztecs evaporating skyward to the salvation of their god. I have never been closer to the real history of my art.
I’m in no condition to pass judgment on what you are doing, Aimee. No condition …
Love, Mack
P.S. when it comes to women who think they’re in love, though, you cannot win. Don’t even try. You’ll be the bad guy, no matter how you play it.
Aimee Is A Little Crazy 